His name is Cecil and he’s not just a roommate, he’s the best and only true friend I’ve ever had. He saved my life and is the reason I stay alive. I don’t deserve him as I am today, I need to get better. I’m currently facing 2-10 years in prison due to my own lack of self-control, under-treated Bipolar Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, PTSD and what feels like God’s unrelenting hate for me. My first step needs to be residing in a substance abuse treatment facility, which I fulfilled my court obligation to it, just not the personal obligation to stay sober. I’ve been admitted into 6 of them since June 2021, completed 1. With high hopes and plans for a better future, I reentered into a world that had not stopped for me, it had not changed so that I could realize any hope or plan I’d made. It was still full of the same snakes, the same demons and I was the same me. As with when I’d gone to the rehab before this one (I left after only 7 days due to overwhelming paranoia that Cecil was not ok and things at my house were not ok), I came home to find jewelry, that was cheap and not really pawnable but very special to me, was gone, belongings down to my mouthwash was gone, the smell of dead mice permeated my 3 bedroom, govt assisted apertment, dirty dishes. I’d trusted the ONE man who claimed to love me to help me. Unfortunately, I had also trusted the sister of another “friend” to watch Cecil for me. It took a month and police intervention to get him back. The next stint in rehab (which I completed) cost my bank account to be depleted, my car to be trashed, my apartment floors were covered in mud, but Cecil appeared to be unharmed. it was disheartening to realize I really have no one to trust and I relapsed, failed probation drug tests and my p. o. is now refusing any good word to the judge, he told me go back to rehab. Before going again, Cecil’s life has been threatened by the ex who kept him before. With these mental illnesses it’s hard to distinguish a threat from a simple hurtful word. Does he threaten to kill Cecil because he WILL or is it said just to hurt me and Cecil is in no danger? I can only take the safe route and keep Cecil away from him. I went back to rehab again and had the same overwhelming fear that Cecil was in danger and that my home was being robbed and left in under 24 hours. I got home at 1230am, Cecil had been alone since 830am the previous day. What if I hadn’t come home? Jewelry of my late grandmother’s was gone, money I needed for when I got out was gone. My solution to be able to go back and complete rehab and mental health treatment successfully will have to begin with putting Cecil up in a reputable kennel where I have no doubt he’ll be safe (a cousin owns the facility and it’s very nice for the low cost). His safety is a huge distraction. For the past 2 years I’ve worked as an escort. I find walking up to a complete strangers house easier for me than walking into the home of anyone who has ever claimed to have love for me. I’ve never had an inescapable bad experience with a client but I keep the mindset that bruises fade and God hates me too much to let me die but to have your sense of self, confidence, self esteem, every hope, wish, dream, happy plans for a wonderful future crushed and destroyed by the very people who raised you all while claiming love for you leaves huge scars that never go away. The wounds repeatedly resurface and remind me I’m nobody and I was created to only provide entertainment and to absorb the guilt, shame and hate of others so they can feel all the happiness and I get none. I need to find the me who deserves better, I know she exists somewhere. I don’t want to have to die to find her. Kenneling in my area ranges from $20-50 a day. The place I want him to stay at starts at $19 a day but he needs some shots before he can go. He’ll have a field to run in, make new friends, learn new things and be loved until I can come home a better person for him and hopefully my adult children will talk to me again. I can’t continue this life of uncertainty and although clients have for the most part been good to me, my luck is running out along with my freedom.
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